peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
