My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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