That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize