I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize