I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
