She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
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