so let's talk penis.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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