chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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