someone owes me an orgasm
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
