she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
