I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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