Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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