that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
