I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You are the jesus of drinking
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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