why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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