Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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