Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
