I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
you inspire me to be a worse person
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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