Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
