I can text with my tongue
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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