i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
