The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
