I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
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