Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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