what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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