I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
