woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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