Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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