My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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