If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
