You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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