i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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