I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
