We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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