Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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