I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this will be a night to untag.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
