I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
