Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
