Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
