I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Let's get the cat blown out
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
