I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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