If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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