A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
