your parents love me but you hate me
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Watching her eat just hurts me
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
