she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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