You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Can I color on your dick again?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
