If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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