I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
