Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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