So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
