hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
People in love make me want to vomit
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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