overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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