he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
