There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
