dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
