just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Help me help you realize you are a moron
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
