Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
