I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
