She is in my trunk
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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