ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
